2017-11-12 Meeting

Notes from the November Elderberries meeting.

Six members present

What's a partner?

Expectation of a live-in partner decreases with age. In the olden days, there were “black widows” who would get an older man - but now, the gay guys are now doing it too. People want to be with young people for sex - but, atter the sex, you won’t have much to talk about. It’s great to separate the two - sex and companionship.

Someone with whom you share many things - becomes a signficant other; it’s defined in many different contexts, e.g. a sex partner. When gay marriage became legal in Canada, within a year the divorces were starting. We had a big group where everyone had sex together, both gay and straight, but I am now the sole survivor; all the rest are dead from AIDS. After several relationships that ended dramatically, I decided that they were not for me.

A partner is someone with whom you share your thoughts and fears, and good times, travelling. My partner and I met in 1964; after a few years it became an open relationship; the other person’s tricks would often steal which became a problem. But, that relationship lasted 42 years; we travelled extensively and had music in common. And after all this time, when birthdays and holidays come around, I’m occasionally sad.

I have an idealistic concept of a life partner - partly because of my parents’ relationship, but I think I can make it work. They came from different countries & religions, and were very different; they forged a very very good relationship that lasted 72 years. But, me, I had a great relationship with an alcoholic. I’ve lived alone so long that I am totally independent. I know a relationship with a young guy isn’t going to work, I want a relationship with someone within 10-15 years of my age.

When I was younger, I had a very different definition of “partner” - I wanted someone who could sexually satisfy me - and do things together, I wanted something like a marriage, that’s what I thought it meant. In my teens and 20s, I met some people who were my “partners” - we shared our lives, sexuality, travelled, and that’s in ways still my thought of what a partner is. But as I’ve grown older - I’ve been in a relationship for 25 years which developed very very gradually, from friends, to sharing an apartment, but not a sexual relationship — and never really has been. But we’re as much partners as anyone can be.

? but is that a bad thing? What if you spend the last 10 years of your life with a wonderful 30 or 40 yo and he takes care of you up to the end, and

How are you looking for a partner, how do you meet people?

At this stage in my life, I’m not looking for a partner.

And, me neither, for very similar reasons. I did washrooms for many years, and cruised a lot, but not any more.

I’m not looking for a relationship; I don’t trust all the people my age; if it was someone younger, they might want my money. I like being single and playing the field - specifically Craigslist — previously kijiji, and Plenty Of Fish.

I’m not really desperately looking for anyone. I have a very rich masturbation life and a particular activity that I’ve been doing since I was 11, and have perfected.

Meeting people? If I meet them, I meet them; I hang around on Spring Garden Road.

I have a handful of men I like a lot who have not changed much in the last ten or fifteen years; when one of them moves away or becomes unavailable, I post a very specific Craigslist ad for the kind of guy and the kind of activities I like and … sort of interview them.