Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Halifax market.

Bedford Barbie

This princess Barbie comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a designer kitchen. Available with or without boob job, tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Scott doll sold only in conjunction with the boob job version.

Fall River Barbie

The modern day home-maker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Mini-van and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Spryfield Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a lo-rider Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ... unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.

South End Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Mount Uniacke Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Downtown Barbie

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as Victorian conversion condo.

Sackville Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Sackville Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home (sold in U.S. as Trailer Trash Barbie).

North End Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Cole Harbour Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Hammonds Plains Barbie

Comes with sunglasses for both the eastbound drive to work and the westbound drive home, as well as an expired HTC bus pass. Press her navel to hear the F-word as she drives home in the traffic snarl, trying to get to the most difficult part of the city to reach at any time of day. Hammonds Plains Barbie is dressed to the nines trying to look the part and hopes that some day, an actual non-chain, non-fast-food restaurant or road house will come to her neck of the woods. Hammonds Plains Ken is sold separately and comes with a secret purchase offer on a South End condo, as well as a lay-off notice from TD. Pension plan not included.

I don't know who created this, but it's funny. I converted it from an email that was "going around" on 2009-12-21. If you know the author, please send contact information and I'll attribute it correctly.